Shades of Relationship (Part 1)

“Nothing is perfect. Life is Messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.” – Hugh Mackay.  Relationships can be complicated whether by birth or by law, by choice or by chance. Some relations go on till end and some relations keep falling apart in our journey.

When we are born, the first relation that automatically gets established is that of mother and father and then later on siblings and many other. These relations we don’t choose, rather they just happen naturally: God given blood relations which are lifelong. There is no option for an alternative relation, as in we cannot get different set of parents, we cannot switch our siblings; the only alternative that we have is: either to maintain relations or break them, however maintaining a relation is very difficult and splitting is very easy. Dear readers, I leave it on to you, whether you select difficult path or the easier one.

In-case you decide to hold on to your relation and pick the difficult path, then there are few views and thoughts that may help you

• Ignorance is bliss: This phrase is actually very helpful in maintaining a bond. Try to ignore unpleasant episodes that take place between two individuals as much as possible.
• Let it go: Not giving too much weightage to unfavourable events helps in the continuation of the association.

There are many more points on this which you can read in my article “Survival of the Relationships”.This time I want to stick to my topic: Relationships by Birth Vs by Law.

Over a period of time as we grow up, there are many associations that we make; we pick, choose and make connections and then finally name these bonds. Friends, colleagues, romantic relations are few, the onus of the development of the relation, its outcome, right choice or wrong choice totally depends on the individuals per se.

Even in such cases there are few connections you make by choice and the rest are added along with it. For example, when you choose your life partner, you choose only him or her, the extended family is added alongside. The extended family on either side of the partner is neither by blood, nor by choice, rather by destiny, by law and it is in here that most of the clashes happen. These added relations are called in-laws and as the name suggests the bond is legal.

Why do family disputes occur with in-laws?

• Lack of Emotional attachment: Both the parties need to realise that emotional connect with in-laws takes time. On the one hand, there are relations that you have lived and cherished by birth, spouse whom you have chosen by your heart and on the other hand there are relations that have just been attached alongside. Now, if you think logically and consciously, both the parties would realise that inner feelings and closeness will take time to grow and develop and may not even blossom 100%.
• Unreasonable expectations: One should understand that a connection needs time to nurture and keeping very high expectations from both the parties is a great hindrance towards maintaining relations.
• Low tolerance level: Mutual Care and understanding is not only applicable in case of in-laws) but also blood relations. However, when it comes to in-law (daughter in-law mother-in-law or son-in-law, father-in-law mother), the tolerance level is very less as compared to relations by birth. Admission of this fact reduces the burden of relationship.
• Difficulty in acceptance: Acceptance towards family practices and rituals takes time, acceptance of different ideology takes time, and sometimes individuals are not even ready to accept any form of change. What is required in this case is a little change of perception and a little acceptance.
• Presence of inhibition: the way a child speaks to his or her parents and vice-a-versa without hesitation and without second thoughts is not the same with in-laws. This is a reality which the two parties do not accept easily. Whether it is daughter-in-law, mother-in-law or son-in-law, father-in-law, there is always a presence of slight self-consciousness and reserved feeling. Clashes and uneasiness exists when the two parties are not able to communicate with each other with complete ease and as a result bitter experiences and feelings get piled on in the heart.
• Monetary dependence: Whether anybody realises this or not but monetary dependence is a major factor in family disputes and disturbed relations. I know that everyone’s family situation and financial situation is very different but in my view point monetary freedom is very essential to have friendly and warm bonding between self and in-law (father-in law, daughter-in-law, etc.).

How can we make relations with in-laws’ cordial?

In my view, we know the problems, as mentioned above and the solution lies in the resolution of the problems. Having mutual respect and care, not keeping unreasonable expectations, acceptance of the fact these relations are not by choice but by destiny, adjustments from all people, showing patience and let go attitude, better communication and financial freedom can help building and maintaining relations. The idea should not be of dominance but of integration of relations, the agenda should not be of authority but of acceptance by both the parties, the strength is not in showing power in relations but to maintain them happily.

In the end I would say, in spite of all the efforts if relationship does not work out with in-laws or with blood relations, it is better to choose proximity of souls, prioritize happiness of self and others, sit with yourself and find answers from your conscious.

Please send in your suggestions and comments.

Disclaimer: These are totally my views and thoughts and not directed towards any particular family or individual. The above suggestions are general and can be followed keeping in mind your family situation.