Life is a cycle, I am born, I become an adolescent, then an adult and finally I am ready to up-bring a new life. Now! I am a parent.
During this period of growing-up, I have had my share of learnings, I am taught, I am schooled and I have had my share of agreements and dis agreements with my parents. But, now that I have become parent, I have to be ready for the same process of teaching, schooling, agreements and dis agreements with my child.
While I am up-bringing my child, there are many questions, learnings and suggestions that I come across and still keep getting all sorts of guidance from each and every one. Well! I have taken as many as possible, happily trying to implement them, the best that I can do for my children.
- In the early childhood days of my kids, I read many articles and heard parenting videos that suggested, “don’t say No to your child. Find some other way, divert child’s mind and so on”. Point taken and I tried to implement but failed miserably. The very first reaction when I see my child doing something, which, according to me is not right is the word “NO”. Then, suddenly I realise, Oh! This word was not supposed to be said. I would say to myself “next time, I won’t use this word”, but next time never came.
- Then the next stage came when my child is slightly grown up but not an adolescent, almost all parenting articles and videos of renowned people and many other stated that “do not scold your child”. Oh God! I again failed in this, because I couldn’t stop myself scolding for various reasons. Well! I definitely don’t want to scold but at times I feel it is very important and I just could not help it.
- Family members would say” don’t say anything to kids in-front of us”. Also one typical sentence’ don’t be so loud’. I want to ask all people around, how to scold politely, as I have no clue to this. You can have normal conversation softly, but how can I scold politely? I was not allowed to say anything to my children in front of grandparents. I would ask my parents you scolded us and did the best for us, let me do the same. I also want the best for my kids, we have this argument till date.
While I am raising my child, there are many suggestions that come, from every person related to me.
List of these suggestion is: don’t scold your child, don’t hit your child, don’t compare your child with someone else, don’t compare siblings, don’t raise your voice, don’t cover-up your child’s mistake, don’t praise your child unnecessarily, praise your child for whatever little he achieves, at times scold your child and the list goes on and on leaving me totally confused.
In all this confusion, few things became very clear to my mind:
- There is no parenting rule! If every child is different, so is every parent. Parents financial, moral, social, cultural and family values are different so their upbringing is different. But one parenting rule is universal, that is, parents love the most and want the best for their child.
- If parents should not compare their child with anyone, children should not compare their parents either. At any stage of life, the child should not question his/her parents’ choice either. Children should not compare on distribution of wealth, finances and all materialistic things (as most children say: you have given more to him/her than to me, stop comparing us”). Children should not say” learn from my friend’s parents, look at my friend’s parents. They don’t ask so many questions, they give whatever their child wants”. Stop comparing parents as we are also expected to do the same.
- If no child is perfect, be it in appearance, profession, studies, social and moral ethics, then children should not expect their parents to be perfect either. If parents are ready to accept their children with flaws, so should be the case with the children.
- Another important learning that I have got during my course of up-bringing a child is that even this relationship if full of give and take. Parents are full of expectations from their child, and so is the child.
In the end, I have to say:
- Not scolding is an ideal situation, not beating is an ideal situation, not comparing is an ideal situation, not expecting is an ideal situation but unfortunately we are not living in an ideal world. To make it an ideal world around you in your home, efforts from both child and parent is required. Don’t try to be an ideal parent, try to make it a happy home. It’s OK, if we as parents don’t get 100 on 100 points, because we also don’t expect nor force the same from our loved ones.
- Whatever we are doing as parents is the best, rest put all your thoughts and situations aside.
- Just three words, “I Love You” from the bottom of your heart by the parent and the kid to each other makes all the difference.
So well thought and penned. Parenting may look easy but actually is a full time job